| Freedom? |
[22 Feb 2011|10:37pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
May be able to get my baby out of jail. He got a $165 bond today. I can go get him IF i can find a bondsman that will bond him out in NC even if he comes back to VA with me. I know he's ready to be out of jail and I feel shitty for not being able to go get him out tonight but I'm working on it. I have to work all day tomorrow and then I can drive to NC to get him. So hopefully I'll find a friendly bondsman between now and then. Oi. Um.... oh and one that doesn't want collateral since I live out of state.
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| goddamn mother fuckin cunt pos cock suckin US fuckin JUSTICE system |
[22 Feb 2011|01:58pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
] |
So..... 6 years since my last post here and I am STILL in TRANSITION. Fuck man. My husband just got extradited to NC and I am stressin about how to come up with bail money and how to move back to NC and find a job out there and all that. I know I'm surrounded by a lot of caring people and angels but the funny thing is that a lot of strangers are the ones looking out right now. Not really the folks you'd expect to care. Like family. Sometimes I'm left feeling completely abandoned and unloved.I wouldn't want anyone I love to have to go thru this shit. Oi. Not sure how i'm gonna make it thru this but I'm prayin. I know that everything happens for a reason and that everything is happening now exactly as it is supposed to. I guess it's just frightening and disappointing. I miss my baby and I'm about to lose him for like 4+ years. I'll keep ya posted. Think I'm gonna use this again and Fuck FB. Peace.
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| transitions |
[30 Sep 2005|01:41pm] |
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so it seems as though i've been waiting for momths for my life to just calm back down.... To get into a comfortable routine. I thought moving in with maren and keith would make a great opportunity for that. It's been nice but also sometimes home wasn't a place I wanted to be. I never even finished unpacking and here I am moving again in a month. More transition. I went through 3 job changes this year. That's always difficult... just trying to catch up on finances and then you switch jobs and don't get paid for 2 more weeks. I have 3 jobs right now. Sometimes I feel like all I do is work. I want time to relax and enjoy life. I want to sidewalk chalk and sit outside and smell autumn. I want to love on my friends. But working 60+ hours a week doesn't leave much time for that. Unexpected car problems also add stress and strain. Why is life so demanding? I had a pretty bad accident last week... I'm ok. It just sucks because I can't afford that right now. I'm kind of getting behind on payments anyway and that creates tension in my relationship with my parents. That relationship definately doesn't need anymore tension. Emotionally, i'm still trying to heal from a lot of pain... being to naive and letting josh use me and fuck with my heart all last year. It sucked waking up in the morning, balling my eyes out because it hurt so bad - and for some reason those are the thoughts that greeted me every morning. I felt filthy and disgusting. And then Phil - having my hopes up way too high this spring. I knew I was just setting myself up for rejection. And now he's gone and I miss him so much but I won't write him or anything because i feel so ridiculous and I wouldn't know what to say or I would want to say things I shouldn't and I would feel the rejection all over again. Why do I always like the untouchable men? And I'm dating Bobby Brown now and it's fucking difficult. I don't know if it will last. It makes me sad. It's only been a week but we've had to really communicate about somethings and sit and talk for a while till we really understood where the other was coming from. I project so much past pain onto him and he onto me. Trusting is a hard thing for wounded people to do. I guess I really need people to be completely honest and vulnerable with me. I love that. And it's hard for him to even talk to me sometimes. He thinks for so long about what to say because he's afraid I'm going to get mad at what he says and leave.... but I'm generally not like that... and he generally doesn't know that yet. It's crazy how hard this is. And since I've never dated anybody sometimes I think, is this as difficult for everyone else - for average people embarking on a new relationship?
So anyway. that's an update this all sounds super depressing. Maybe I am depressed. But I try not to think about it. And then I sit and think about my life and think maybe i don't like myself so much. I used to. Um, yeah... it's not all bad though. I get to enjoy little moments throughout the day here and there. Like when I go outside to water the flowers at work in the morning. The sunshine feels so nice on my skin. mmmm. Or when i'm driving home through the really wooded part of cherokee trail and i have the windows down and just listen to all the night sounds. Or the quiet of a rainy day... i enjoy that. So... there are some spots of joy, glimmers of something better in my life.
Courtney is movng to TN. I'm looking for a house for us. That's exciting but I geuss I have some reservations about it. When we were at home we were best friends but we'd fight like sisters too... couldn't handle too much of each other. We are both adults now though so... hopefully things will be different. I'm looking forward to it... i want to make a place homey. I hope we find a good living space.
I've been real into stuff at work lately. Doing lots of study on my own about different plants and their healing properties. Specifically, Ginger and Tumeric, the Bach Flower Remedies, and Homeopathic Medicines. I went to Homeopathy training yesterday and learned a lot. That was fun.
Just found out that my car is totalled. I gotta go.
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| one of my all time favorites anyway.... seems applicable now. |
[28 Apr 2005|01:34am] |
There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable.
Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart
to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round
with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements;
Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change.
It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
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| emily dickinson |
[08 Apr 2005|02:43pm] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
Heart, We Will Forget Him
HEART, we will forget him!
You and I, to-night!
You may forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.
When you have done, pray tell me,
That I my thoughts may dim;
Haste! lest while you're lagging,
I may remember him!
******************************************************
A lighter note, i registered for classes today and decided to stay at jbc for one more year. with me living off campus it will be tons cheaper. $157 a semester than $2 or 3k a semester. I was worried about having to take another laon but now i won't have to so that's good. I really wanted to just be done so that's a little disappointing but i think this is better for me financially in the long run. yay.
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[06 Apr 2005|12:38pm] |
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mood |
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drained |
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Hi Chris. I am posting. Yay for a few minutes at a computer before class.
So.... i started my new job at the convention center this week and i really enjoy it. All kinds of interesting people work there and i really like meeting people. I have been working a lot. Like 8 hours at Garden Fresh in the days and then 6 or 8 at the convention center at night.
I should be writing my ab psych notes right now....
and garden fresh keeps calling me in to work extra. so all this is good for money i guess but at the same time, i don't have much time for other stuff. or people. I haven't seen keith in like a week. I've seen maren, but just because our schedules were such that we were at the house at the same time in the mornings. so... i miss them. i hope we do something together this weekend or something.
Maren rearranged all the furniture yesterday. It was all different when i came home. It's great though. It seems there is a subtle balance to the room that wasn't there before. It made me want to spend a lot of time at home. I was sad that i couldn't stay. I really want to go home now but i have one more class and then work.
i think this post has to be over for now because i must go to class.
Afterthought: it's good when a relationship is no longer strained and awkward after a weird romantic thing. i like when that happens.
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[24 Mar 2005|11:19am] |
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The weekend was good... full of adventures and alcohol. We spent a lot of time with chris when he was in town and also had a great cookout at the house. I don't even think we meant to have a cookout. It just kind of happened. Which is a good thing.
Yesterday, I was sleeping in the reading room and i heard someone in the house. I figured it was keith or maren. It was around 5pm so I thought it was a good time for my nap to be over and I got up. When I got to the living room Clint Darrah was pulling out of our driveway. I walked outside and clint pulled back in and we hung out and did dishes and made pancakes and it was fun. The part that was weird was that... KEITH AND MAREN LEFT ME ASLEEP IN THE HOUSE WITH THE FRONT DOOR WIDE OPEN!
Vestal is not the best neighborhood. Anyway, I'm okay I guess. I was just surprised. And I'm glad that it was clint in our house and not Darren the scary neighbor man.
I have to go back to work at 2:15. I just came from there. Yay for the library. Something inside me feels happy.
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| 333, make a wish |
[16 Mar 2005|03:33am] |
i'm falling asleep at my desk. papers, ugh....
Yay for i don't work tomorrow!
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| chowder |
[11 Mar 2005|01:35am] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
Mmmm, I did lots of things around knoxville today. Applied for new jobs.... opened a new account with tva, ate lunch with Maren at Magpies. http://magpiesweddingcakes.com That was great. I got to watch her make a cake and I got to eat this amazing soup that Anna made.I'm glad Maren got such a great job. Perhaps now I can find one that suits me as well.
I got hit on twice within my first 15 minutes at work today. one guy came and stood over me while i was cutting turnip greens. He frightened me and i jumped. And then he asked for my number. And then the Mexican guy that asked for my number a few days ago came back.
maybe i'm a mean person. I think maybe i should invent a boyfriend. or do my best to appear 14. (not too hard.)
i should sleep.
i applied for a full time 3rd shift job. heh. lots of alone time.
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| why this tension? |
[09 Mar 2005|09:49am] |
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I'm writing because I haven't in so long. We don't have the internet at the house and i only check email once or twice a week. I'm in the lab now wasting time until class starts at 10. I have a car now. That's a relief. I hated being in utter dependence on everyone. I talked to keith about it one night. He was really cool about it. I had expressed to him how I felt bad about asking for rides all the time and stuff and he responded by saying that it is just as important to learn to receive as it is to learn to give. That was a cool way of looking at it and it helped to not feel so bad about things. But yes, now that I have the car I don't feel half as burdensome to people I care about and I also feel a lot less trapped.
The car is from an ebay auction. weird.
So... i'm all full of conflicting feelings right now. lot's of tension. desires are so strong and i don't know what to do with them. At this point, i lack the opportunity to gratify them. So i'm left with all this hope and anticipation bound up and limited by circumstance and uncertainty. welcome to the state of my heart.
and sometimes it's difficult to hear you say those things.
I'm looking for a new job. I like the produce market but I dunno.... Sometimes business is slow and it gets boring and it doesn't pay real well. It's still fun for the most part and I would hate to quit but I'll have to if I find something better that is full time.
I have 3 papers I need to start on this week. A 10 page romans paper, a 10 page abnormal psychology paper, and a 3 page music appreciation opinion paper. Yay. I should really go find an adapter so we can hook the computer up at the house (none of the outlets in our house are grounded). I despise working in the lab.
Time for class.
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[21 Jan 2005|12:39pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
] |
unwitty banter: you make me do this :-D
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| swift |
[22 Dec 2004|09:42pm] |
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i am at home in VA.
i spent the past few days with Jordan.
it's been good to see him.
i have caught the cold that my family has.
i guess it's good that I wasn't sick during school.
still sucks to be sick over break.
i feel really tense right now.
i don't know what's wrong.
i just feel all meesed up inside and scared.
eh... I want to go back to TN
and i want everything to be okay as I settle into this new schedule and house and life.
i think I just want stability.
i am sick of all the crazy changes.
nothing stays the same.
i just want that.
just for a little while.
just so I can feel calm inside.
everything is chaos right now.
Everything is overwhleming
Ender's Shadow has occupied my time this week.
perhaps I'll finish it tomorrow.
josiah and I went for a drive last night.
we talked for 3 hours.
that was good and needed.
i love my little brother.
reconciliation is fulfilling.
it seemed so hopeless before this.
i'm glad that happened.
not feeling so completely tense anymore so I might as well spend the rest of the night reading.
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| Wee!! |
[15 Dec 2004|07:57am] |
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gonna party tonight!!
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[12 Dec 2004|04:29pm] |
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packing is a beast
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[10 Dec 2004|12:12am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
] |
i haven't showered since monday
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[18 Nov 2004|07:31pm] |
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So actually... maybe we don't have a house. I guess we all kinda felt like that one was too small.It is pretty great though. I kinda liked the idea. Well, okay, so i was real stoked. But as long as it doesn't get rented right away we can come back to it if we don't find anything better.
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| Home Sweet Home! |
[17 Nov 2004|11:41pm] |
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mood |
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 relieved |
] |
We have a HOUSE!!
It's a white stone house close to school.
It has a nice front porch.
A tree swing on a rotten branch.
A great big yard with lots of space for a garden.
A cool fire pit for cookouts.
My room has those fun slanty ceilings that i always wanted when i was a kid!
Our landlord is really rad.
He has a farm with cows and horses and chickens and 3 labs.
He has a wood shop in his garage.
He will let us paint or do anything to the house.
We don't pay utilities.
We have hardwood floors.
They have yucky brown paint on them but we are going to sand, stain, and seal them!
It has a cool room we can eat in.
It has a great room we can use for a darkroom!
It has a nifty extra room to read/chill in.
It's walking distance from Nick and Josh's house!
Mmmm.... so much fun. I'm real excited.
We still don't have any furniture though. Hmm...
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| owy |
[12 Nov 2004|09:29am] |
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mood |
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broken and hurting |
] |
Gah! What a nasty day. It's gray and drizzly outside. I woke up with the worst cramps in the world. Periods suck. i don't want to do anything today. I cried a lot in therapy. Again. We talked about a lot of things i don't like to think about. I guess it was good but I feel like i'm bleeding emotions everywhere. Dad used to say "if you pick a scab it's gonna bleed." So i would just not think about things. But i guess i should deal with it. Dr. Cummins said that I'm doing a lot of emotional work right now and that I'm moving real quickly but we still have a lot to deal with. He said that he predicts next semester will be hard emotionally but i will prolly feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off of me. He said I'll probably feel better than i have ever. I sort of think he is right. I wish I had started therapy freshman year and dealt with all of this then so that i would have been emotionally healthy these past 3 years and these things wouldn't have continued to affect me. Little did i know how benefitial therapy actually could be. And I am on the counseling program! I'm a freaking senior!
I'm sort of afraid of where this is going. I think it is good for me but i am afraid that it could be hurtful to people who have hurt me without meaning to. I think a part of my therapy might be confronting those people and i am afraid of that. The pain goes so deep though and it's so old and it's impacted my life so drastically and i really need to be released from this and truly reconciled to those people. It scares me because i love these people a lot and i am afraid of what a confrontation might create between us. What if they just refute everything i say? What if they just don't care? That would make me sad because i love them. But i guess it's not my responsibility how they react. Anyway, even though it sucked, therapy was good today.
i have to go take a test now... sigh
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| i never write titles anymore. except now. |
[01 Nov 2004|03:22am] |
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mood |
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uncomfortable |
] |
it's 303am. i woke up about an hour ago. we changed the clocks tonight, so to my body it's 404am right now. The weekend has been weird so far. But good i guess. Yeah. I dunno. Yesterday after work i went out with Chase and Adriane. We carved pumpkins. I made one with a star. Oh, but before we carved pumpkins, we ate at a chinese place and I got real sick. Like I had one plate and ran to the bathroom. I haven't been sick like that in a long long time. Not since I was little and had a stomach virus. It was terrible. I hate public bathrooms too. ewwy. But back to pumkin carving. We went to this cool little park and worked under the dim light of a street lamp. I kicked a rock that night too. I am so acciednt prone. My big toe still hurts. I think it might be broken or something.
I went to gatlinburg with travis today. He was indecisive about everything. we would go in a store and 3 seconds later he was like, "let's find something new." Whatever. We still had a good time. Pulled off the road and sat by the river for a bit. Saw all the places to by cheap ninja weapons... all the stores sell swords and katanas!
i wish there was more i could do for you.... you're so precious and you're life is falling apart.
Tonight me and andy talked. I cried. That was something that should have happened a long time ago but we were both confused... it sucked not talking to him for so long. i missed him a lot. there is still a lot of pain i think but at least now we are on the road to a restored friendship.
Keith called tonight. Plans changed again. But that's cool. I'm gonna do what I can to help them look for houses/jobs. I'm excited about new changes. And scared at the same time.
My book on sustainable gardening came today. I checked my mail after the mailroom closed though so i can't get it till monday. disappointing. oh well.
emily's hair is cute!
i love you...
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[27 Oct 2004|06:56pm] |
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freakin' required chapel....
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[27 Oct 2004|09:15am] |
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i always have dreams that i can't get to you.
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[26 Oct 2004|12:48am] |
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how do you manage to piss off everyone you care about in one day? Today i found out that at least 4 people think i'm an asshole. Great. I do't even know why these people think that I would want to do hurtful things. I never did anything to intentionally hurt them. i just don't want to be here.. i don't want to be where anyone knows me. gah. no. i just wish these people understood me. why do i have to feel like i let everyone down? why is this all happening today? i hate feeling like this. i thnk that knowing you've hurt someone you care about - even if you didn't mean to - is one of the worst feelings in the world.
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[04 Oct 2004|03:32pm] |
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mood |
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rejected |
] |
i got really upset last tight. i hate the way my "reputation" preceeds me. I know that i have earned it... and i regret that but how dang long does it take to earn that trust back?! it's been three years!! i wish people would give me a chance to be who i am now instead of who i was then. i know that the people who talk about me mean well; i know they just want to protect their friends. but it still hurts because the things they say prevent people from getting close to me. people keep their distance b/c of things they've heard rather than just finding out for themselves who i am. it makes me feel like trash. it makes me feel like i'm not worth anything or that i'm somehow inferior to everyone. sometimes i think about the people who talk about me and feel like they are ruining my life, ruining any chance of intimacy... and then i think, "oh, that's right. Those were my actions that are ruining my life. that's all my doing," i get so lonely sometiimes.... and i feel like it's pointless to even try at relationships here because so many people "know" me. i just don't want to be here. i want to be somewhere else - a place where no one has any impressions of me and i can decide to be anything and they wouldn't know the difference. so i heard something last night and i almost cried. i would have if i were alone. i thought that perhaps i had finally gotten past all of this and then i heard that someone had "Warned" a friend about me. geh.
on a cheerier note... i went to the farm today and it was wonderful. the sunshine felt so good on my skin! my shoulders got a little darker. i harvested tomatoes and tons of basil. okay, more like 7.8 pounds of basil. today was the day to medicate the bee hives. I didn't get to help as much but i watched this time. we saved a little bit of honey but not too much since the bees need that to eat over the winter. it was so YUMMY!! we have to take the medicine out of the hives in 56 days exactlyso i will mark my calendar and maybe if i go that day i can help out. Today has been really great. i'm so happy when i'm at the farm.
I have to go to work now and then i have a tommy smith exam to study for. oh boy oh boy!
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| Roadtrip, anyone? |
[03 Oct 2004|03:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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hopeful |
] |
Damien Jurado!
10.19 * Carrboro, NC @ Cat's Cradle
w/Richard Buckner, Dolorean
10.20 * Atlanta, GA @ Echo Lounge
w/Richard Buckner, Dolorean
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[30 Sep 2004|08:15am] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
] |
I just feel like I need to write tonight. I haven't in so long. Perhaps I ought to be writing in my real journal - the paper one. Eh... but i just feel like this right now.
Classes are going well so far. We're about to midterms. Scary how fast it has gone. I am still not settled into my new schedule. The semester got of to a deeply emotional/painful start for me in several areas. But that's okay. I think things are sort of better now. And even if things aren't better... that stuff just drives me back to god and back to the reality that all my attampts to be whole are hopeless and empty without him. You would think that i'd have gotten this lesson by now; that it would have stuck with me since the last time i had to learn it. I am dense. God help me.
Tonight i felt full. Full of something. Full of anger towards injustice that i saw but having no idea how to help. I felt so limited. And that made me feel angry. Soemetimes i wish i were more grown up. It seems like grown ups have power to do anything they want. Or perhaps I am grown up and perhaps I should just start doing. Perhaps I'm simply deceiving myself into thinking that i can't do anything. And perhaps as long as i have excuses like that I will remain passive.
Tonight i felt full of love for someone.
I watched Coffee and Cigarettes tonight with Michelle. It was a fun little flick. Had lots of famous people in it.
I miss talking to Tres. Apparently he is spending the night at chik-fil-a to get some free food. I don't think i would spend the night in 41 degree weather just for some food. But that's just me. I think he must be bonding a lot tonight with all those other crazy people lined up.
There's a Rilo Kiley/ Tilly and the wall show on 10/11 in carborro, nc at the cat's cradle.
There's one in Athens on the 13th too. Maybe we'll go.
I have wisdom teeth growing in. I need to let my parents know cuz I don't really know what to do about it. One is definately coming in on top of other teeth and will push them around.
I think I'm going to Costa Rica with some friends for spring break. Hopefully that works out.
I did crossword puzzles today in class with jennie.
I have real flowers in my room. I hate fake flowers.
I have a new friend named Zoe.
I fell in the mud and got all dirty when i was showing Andy our woods one day.
I read half of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader today.
I have some bigger decisions to make about life here in a few months.... That's kinda scary.
I spose I'd like to write more but i wrote until i fell asleep and now i need to get ready for class.
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| you're the dream that hasn't ended.... |
[15 Aug 2004|10:42pm] |
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mood |
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still a little tense |
] |
tonight i had a conversation that has needed to take place for a long time. it was hard and intense and good. fear is hard. i am not brave. i feel a lot better now.
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[07 Aug 2004|02:38pm] |
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[20 Jul 2004|12:37pm] |
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mood |
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so i'm a vegetarian now...
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